Today… has been rough. It’s been 13 years since my father passed away. It actually almost slipped right past me. It’s typically pretty easy to remember, given proximity to Valentine’s Day… but this year’s Valentine’s festivities involve cleaning and making deliveries. Not ideal for marking the occasion.
I have to admit… I’m feeling pretty helpless lately. Without going into details, we’re dealing with a level of financial ruin that we simply didn’t anticipate. We thought we had this shit under control – we had every reason to be confident about it, despite the challenges presented by health issues and unemployment – but some things just spiral out of your control. I’m not terribly depressed – so many people are in much worse situations! – but it’s demotivating.
Jonikka and I spent the past seven days working tirelessly on deep cleaning the house. Niera helped us replace our broken steam cleaner, so the carpets are starting to look really nice, but the house is a shambles with bedrooms all switched about and furniture piled against walls in different rooms. And we had to wait for cash to buy new carpet shampoo – which we now have – but the weekend is here and we need to get some deliveries in to try to make some money, and we can’t recover our living space until we have time to finish the carpet…
And now, of course, the meteorological shift into single-digit temps has put Jonikka into a world of pain and chronic exhaustion.
It’s little things. The bank account it dry. My wife can’t function. I don’t have money for meds or household supplies. I can’t set up my computer desk and mixing console to work on podcasts. Or record music, and I have a few songs that are absolutely beating at the inside of my head trying to get out. I have games to run – and I will – but I’m having a hard time getting excited about it.
My dad’s position on hardship was always pretty practical. One thing at a time. Like me, he had a hard time sacrificing comforts for expediency, but he was quick to commit to a change if it solved a major problem. I’ve done quite a bit of that over the past several months… I know that there’s more I could sacrifice. But you have to measure living against quality of life for as long as you are able.
As Maslow’s Bitch, I’m not always able… so I hang on to what I can.
I was planning to start school next week. Online. Getting my MBA. I may have to put it off until next term. I thought we’d be in a better place by the time this term started. It’s really important that I can focus on the work.
Damn.
I was going to write about my new songs and how excited I am to get some recording done. I’ve already sent one composition to my rhythm section to work on their parts. “Nobody’s Home.” Basically, my pandemic song. Really moody, bluesy stuff. I laid down a few layers of guitar and strings, as well as some scratch vocal parts. Brendon and Drew are gonna get the bass and drum sections figured out, then I’ll see if my friend Anne can layer in some piano work. Then on to Bonnie to work on vocals. Very cool piece. Can’t wait to share it.
Still miss you, Dad.